Life in the time of shopping malls

Life used to be pretty simple when i was a kid. No shopping malls… only shops, shops and more shops. Clothes used to be cheap and they had this wonderful ability to just go on and on and on. I remember wearing the same shirt in standard 4 and 5 and 6. My mom used to pester me to get rid of it, but i was in love with the superman blue shirt. It just went on till the time one of my smart childhood friends decided to experiment on it and painted a huge red blob to make it more superman like but that’s a different story altogether. We are here to talk about the malls. The huge malls and the tiny ones as well…. all types.

I live in a mall friendly city which boasts about the oldest mall in the country, The Spencer Plaza. Its so big that when the builders actually ran out of time , they put boards reading “More shops” and pointing in all directions. The poor customer is first enticed by the name itself and then by the grandeur and then by the time he realises he has to run off before he purchases everything at hand, he is a poor soul who is at the mercy of the mall. There are too many shops to even remember what do they sell. You get your usual clothes, electronic appliances, shoes, books etc. , then you get leather jackets and pashmina shawls (in Chennai ?????) and dog food shops n cat food shops n shops selling jackets for dogs and cats. You also have  key shops who make all kind of keys in 5 minutes except door keys, suitcase keys , almirah keys , car keys n bike keys…. I was tempted to ask “Are you sure you make keys ????”

The worst thing that could happen to you at Spencers’ is that you are standing in front of all these stores and you are broke… something even worse is you are standing in front of all these stores and you have a pocket full of money….invariably you tend to go broke after an hour or so…

The Spencer has 2 food courts which has all sorts of food. Getting food is easy but getting a place to sit is similar to the quest of the holy grail. If you do manage to get a place to sit, then you have to pray really hard that no one comes and sits on your lap. People do throw you angry looks if you have occupied the seat that they used the last time they were here at Spencer’s. Then you also have to pray about handkerchiefs…. You pray that you are not sitting on someone’s hanky….. people also tend to keep their food stuff on the chair to save a seat. So even a hanky is okay as long as you are not sitting on somebody’s sambar vada.

Moving away from Spencers, we come to the City Centre… The more hip and sophisticated shopping mall. Things in here are expensive… meaning you tend to roam around the place without buying anything for hours. This helps you in reducing your weight . Then if you are someone who has a pathetic sense of directions like me, you are made to feel like you are an alien from Mars who lost his radar and compass at the same time.

There was a beautiful shop with a hoarding which said “SALE 50% off”.

I made a dash towards its entrance only to be stopped by the security person who sang me an, “Exit door saaar, Come fram main entry”

“Ok, Where is the main entry???”

“Saar, >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>”

“Anna, anna stop……Tamil illa…English english” I plead.

“Ohk Ohk…saar see” and he points towards a board which reads “Toilet”

I look at him with pleading eyes and he goes on ” Take left then left and then straight……”

“Ok anna okk thanks “

After many left turns and straights and further lefts i am back at the place where i started from. The watchman starts to act as if he has never seen me. After ignoring me for five whole minutes, the watchman decides to quietly smuggle me in. And in a flash he opens the door n says “Go in ,go.. go.. go” . Happy to be in finally, i take a stroll around the store leisurely picking up a horrible pink coloured cap.  The price tag on the cap quotes a fortune which will be more than the cost of my watch even after its discount. I look at my watch …. my dear watch which had cost me a fortune and for which i had saved money for 3 months. I take a good look around and make a hasty exit flashing a toothy grin to all i can meet on the way out.

Apart from these 2 major malls you have singular malls or huge shops which sell every utensil ever made in the world. The best part about these shops are that they do not have any space for you to stand, so all you have to do is keep picking stuff while the crowd keeps pushing you all around. An expert is one who manages to pick the maximum number of useful things. I tried my hands once cause i needed cloth hangers and ended up getting 4 cups, 2 glasses, 2 floor wipes, one belan, 3 plates, one bedsheet type of thing which we use to wipe our fridge, brooms in 3 sizes, one plate like thing which is too flat to be a plate( It does not hold anything) and all this fitted into a huge bucket. It was only after getting out of the shop that i remembered missing out on the cloth hangers. Its a favourite with all ladies. You have to be there to see how efficiently can ladies multitask. For a guy its always the fish out of water kind of feeling.

Then you have the auto rickshaw drivers who form the conclusion of our story. If you are a shopper and have stuff in your hand, then god save you. The moment you try to haggle with an auto over the exorbiant price that he would be quoting, he goes ” Saar…. So much stuff”

I look at my shopping for the day which holds two bedsheets n a towel and say ” What so much ??? Its just bedsheet”

He goes “Saar, petrol price go up”

While i am still trying to reason between a bedsheet and petrol price and he comes up with “Saar , too far”

Thats the last straw when you grow really irritated and start walking off he shows a queer expression and says ” Whaat saarr……. ok 100 final come come”

“Whaaa…… but you were saying 80 sometime ago…it shud be 60″ I challenge him

” Ohh … Okk then 80 final…come come” he says

“But thats where we started bargaining….its 60″ I say

“Whaat saarrr…..78 final…in middle…not yours not mine” he adds graciously

I wonder how does the middle price between 60 and 80 end up being 78…….I look at the driver flashing a saintly smile at me and about to start the auto. A last sigh and i get in. Half way through n he starts to stop.

“Anna why are you stopping ????” I ask

“Saar you said park. Here park” he points me to some unknown park which looks less like a park and more like someone’s lawn.

“Anna i said near independence park. This is not independence park” I try to reason.

“No saar see. I tell rate 100 you not giving. You luggage and petrol cost going up and you taking me far far” he says.

“Okk go go. I’ll pay” I say.

Finally on reaching i hand him 70 bucks and show him an empty wallet.

“Saar you no go. Give 100.” he starts to threaten me.

“Watchman!! Watchman!!” I call,” This man is asking for a 100 bucks from city centre to here. Handle him please”

Then seeing my dear watchman at work makes me proud The man makes the auto driver disappear in 2 minutes grumbling to himself. These are the tricks of the trade.

Finally when you reach home you find that half the stuff you got was there at your place and the rest half do not have any use. But thats mall shopping for you friends.

Lets go malling…………….